I never feel sorry for myself.
Usually I have myself to blame; for bruises, lost things or whatever consequences from stupid mistakes I tend to make. Im good at laughing at things, brush them off. And many times you can go with the old “It could have been worse” and think about starving people around the world.
I never feel sorry for myself.
But sitting at the tiled floor next to the toilet in only underwear at 5am, shivering from the cold breeze coming through the window that I cant seem to gather enough strength to close, every now and then bending over the toilet to let last nights food out.. Moments like that, my life is not high in value for me.
IBS is something I have learnt to live with. But it has not been easy, in fact it has probably given me some of the worst moments or situations in my life. Because there is no one to blame, the symptoms are never the same and there is no cure for the disease… In other words: the difficulty to understand IBS would be on the same level as understanding women.
Birthdays I have not been able to eat the food I have spent hours choosing and preparing, 5am walks home from friends houses because I sensed a morning of pain coming up, anniversaries when I have had to ditch the well thought through food the boy prepared, to have to get picked up at my first sleep over at a boyfriends house,.. Not to mention the amount of money spent on medication, all the food I have left out from my diet “just to be on the safe side” and all the times trying to explain the situation to other people.. Who rarely understand, mostly just judge you and think that you are one of the typical skinny not eating at all-girls. And the jealousy. The jealousy of people being able to eat everything, at any time, when a chewing gum or a piece of chocolate at the wrong time can crash it for me. To look at people drinking and eating junk food days in a row and feel fine, whilst I have one night out and have to detox for days to feel ok.
Its not easy. Thank God for my mom. I could never, ever have done it without her.
I don’t trust Doctors. At all. 21 years and countless times in and out of hospital, and still everything worth knowing, all my answers, have come from my mom. What I can eat and not, what I am actually allergic to, have been diagnosed by her and I together. To all the time have her to go to for advice and a hand to hold, and to see her be so strong through her own struggles is what motivates me and gets me through everything. My rock and role model. I love you.
And I think its mothers day in Sweden tomorrow. So Happy Mothers Day!
You’re the best
❤