I never feel sorry for myself.
Usually I have myself to blame; for bruises, lost things or whatever consequences from stupid mistakes I tend to make. Im good at laughing at things, brush them off. And many times you can go with the old “It could have been worse” and think about starving people around the world.
I never feel sorry for myself.
But sitting at the tiled floor next to the toilet in only underwear at 5am, shivering from the cold breeze coming through the window that I cant seem to gather enough strength to close, every now and then bending over the toilet to let last nights food out.. Moments like that, my life is not high in value for me.
IBS is something I have learnt to live with. But it has not been easy, in fact it has probably given me some of the worst moments or situations in my life. Because there is no one to blame, the symptoms are never the same and there is no cure for the disease… In other words: the difficulty to understand IBS would be on the same level as understanding women.
Birthdays I have not been able to eat the food I have spent hours choosing and preparing, 5am walks home from friends houses because I sensed a morning of pain coming up, anniversaries when I have had to ditch the well thought through food the boy prepared, to have to get picked up at my first sleep over at a boyfriends house,.. Not to mention the amount of money spent on medication, all the food I have left out from my diet “just to be on the safe side” and all the times trying to explain the situation to other people.. Who rarely understand, mostly just judge you and think that you are one of the typical skinny not eating at all-girls. And the jealousy. The jealousy of people being able to eat everything, at any time, when a chewing gum or a piece of chocolate at the wrong time can crash it for me. To look at people drinking and eating junk food days in a row and feel fine, whilst I have one night out and have to detox for days to feel ok.
Its not easy. Thank God for my mom. I could never, ever have done it without her.
I don’t trust Doctors. At all. 21 years and countless times in and out of hospital, and still everything worth knowing, all my answers, have come from my mom. What I can eat and not, what I am actually allergic to, have been diagnosed by her and I together. To all the time have her to go to for advice and a hand to hold, and to see her be so strong through her own struggles is what motivates me and gets me through everything. My rock and role model. I love you.
And I think its mothers day in Sweden tomorrow. So Happy Mothers Day!
You’re the best
I do love this big, vibrant city known to “always have something going on”. But I get quite restless, especially now when I am not working as much any more – but my friends are. I only have 4 months left here and it makes me nausea just to think about it, but at the same time I can not wait to get out in the world again!
To make myself feel better, I made myself a bucket list. Pretty much just as a comfort, to bucket some things off so that I can see that I have accomplished some great things in life already. Will definitely be adding heaps of things to this one!
Drive through NZ
Go water rafting
Volunteer with animals or kids
Climb a mountain – rock climbing way, that is
Drive a scooter in Thailand
Go skiing in Canada
Gamble in Vegas
Eat a burger in NY
Try weird food in China
Visit Salar de Uyuni
Go to Disneyworld
Pop champagne in a limousine
Do Machu Picchu
Eat at a Gordon Ramsey-restaurant
Go on a real hike
Go scuba diving
Live in another country
Get a tattoo
Be homeless in a city for a night
Sleep under the stars
Learn to waterskii
Visit Madame Tussauds
Eat pizza in Italy
Skinnydipp in another country
27/04/2013 – 27/04/2014
I have had 6 different jobs
I have scuba dived
I have tried the hostel life for 2 weeks
I have been to The Races
I have been a part of the Grand Prix crew… I guess that makes it 7 jobs
I have spent a weekend on a boat around Whitsundays
I have gotten my first tattoo
I have lived in 6 different places
… inlcuding when settled in to a friends house whilst homeless for 2 weeks
I have said good bye to way too many people
I have learnt that Melbourne is the best place in Australia
I have attented the Sexpo VIP Afterparty
I have been to my first ever Strip Club.. Yes, associated with above
I have volunteered at a festival.. Does that count as a 8th job?
I have driven for my first time in a big city.. and learnt that Im better off not to
I have lost 350 bucks on a night out
I have been locked in to my room
I have gotten kicked out of a cab
I have broken in to my own house
I have.. showered? in a waterfall.. at least had a photo shoot
I have seen some of my favourite bands live
I have slept under the stars
I have learnt to appreciate the people I have around me
I have broken a few glasses
I have had the 8am-breakfast-of-shame on my way home after a night out
I have spent Christmas at the beach
I have gambled at Crown – and walked out with 500 bucks more than we came in with
I have gotten away with a tram fine
I have been to a Strip Show
I have learnt to not believe the best about everyone
I have been to a surf competition
I have been on a roadtrip
I have found that I love the gym
I have done a proffessional photoshoot
I have cried over boys
I have been to my first overnight festival
I have had a few too many drinks before work
…and at work
And most importantly, and my favourite part of my year:
I have made some amazing friends
And this one as always as a rock next to me ❤
This year has had its ups and downs. I havent seen my family the whole year, friends I have made have left the city, people I have grown fond of have turned out to be someone I didn’t think they were. But Ive learnt a lot; about myself, about relationships..about everything really. And right now I feel like I am in a good place. I know who my real friends are, I have learnt what actually matters in life, I have found a job that really fits me and I have the best housemates you could find. I am happy living in Melbourne, but also so excited for the adventures to come later this year. And of course I miss my family, but knowing I will see them in the end of the year gets me through.
Excited to continue 2014 “a year older and wiser” and to see where my next birthday will be celebrated!
“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place”
I read this quote the other day. And its spot on how I feel.
Travelling to Australia is the best thing I have done. I just never expected my five month adventure to turn in to what it is now.
I left my family and friends with a quick hug saying “Don’t be silly, I will be back soon”. I stuffed the necessary in my backpack, leaving the room in a mess to clean up when I got back. That was 19 months ago. That room is now a dining room.
Its not escaping. It was meant to be an adventure, an experience, something exciting in between school and work. In my head I was gonna get a tan, race with kangaroos, fight some crocodiles, become a surf king, live hostel life and hang out with backpackers. A vague idea, something like that. Today I’m in my hammock outside my 3 bedroom house writing on my laptop.
I have always longed to see places. I have always been the kind of person that gets bored easily, that awaits adventures and jumps on any chance to go somewhere. That always wants more. Therefore, I thought I was the backpacking type.
I have now spent 13 of the past 14 months in Melbourne. I left once. After 5 months I panicked and left to see other places, but somewhere along beaches as reefs I realised; Nothing was exciting me too much, cause I had no one to share them with. So I went back to Melbourne. Saying that, I have always claimed to be independent. I have always gone through life sorting my own jobs out, cooked my own food and travelled by myself since I was 9. I don’t need anyone to do it for me. So yes, I am independent. To an extent. I have just started to feel like things feel more real when shared, whether its feeding dolphins or just having a coffee.
More so, being away even for a week; I missed Melbourne. And I felt like I missed out on so much not being here. Never did I ever feel that about my home town whilst travelling in Europe. But Melbourne is special. love these streets, I love the variety of places to go to, the range of things to do, the never ending coffee shops and bars, the impressive street art.. even the unreliable weather. I love how there are 4 million people here, but we all seem to know each other and be connected somehow (actually I’m not sure about that, sometimes the “we all know the same people” thing gets a bit creepy). And that’s the best part; the people you meet. Comparing myself to the person I was a year ago, I am so much more open towards people. Mainly because I have learnt (from having to converse with customers at work) how giving a conversation with a stranger can be. Everyone has got a story to tell and something you can learn from. And being social, helpful and interested doesn’t just feel good, it is definitely to your advantage the day you actually need something. It has given me a lot the past year, but most importantly; good friends.
And this of course, is the main reason to why I feel so at home in Melbourne, and why I came back; I have the greatest friends and that I am so grateful for.
But your family is at home in Sweden. Doesn’t family matter more than friends?
There’s the heavy part. Of course they do. I would choose my family over anything any day. I wish every day that they would be here and experience this life with me. And every day I feel bad about how much I am missing out on.
So why is it so difficult to go back?
I guess this is where I admit that I simply don’t want to go back to my home town. I wish I could say that I want to. It seems perfect to move back and raise a family where the rest of your family is, in a city that you know inside and out. But I don’t. Its something about it that I have never liked, even in my younger years (listen to me, sounding like I’m in my 40s). I never really found peace. I always longed away, and not just in a teenage-revolution kind of way. But I never felt like I fit in. I did have friends, some hopefully lifelong friendships, but there are a lot of people that I never understood and probably never will.
I don’t hate it. I don’t judge people who stay. I don’t think I am better than anyone else. Its just not for me.
What is the right place for me?
I dont know. Right now its where I am right now. And its so hard to imagine myself living anywhere else in the world. But there will be a lot more travelling, and that will surely change my opinion of things. Safe to say though, the true friendships and relationships I have will stay strong wherever in the world I am.
Ill take the sun and watch it surround youAll of the rain will follow all around you
Dont need no reason we’ll just get away